We're all going to be on easy street soon, my fellow junk-food junkies. We'll never have to lift one of our pudgy fingers again to perform any sort of mundane manual task. The fridge will always be stocked with Yoohoo, and the cupboards shall runneth over with all manner of snack foods. Yessir, prosperity is just one order of curly fries away, thanks to New York attorney Samuel Hirsch and his larger-than-life litigants.

It all started with Caesar Barbar, a 5-foot-10, 275-lb. double heart attack victim who blames, conveniently, all four of the largest fast-food conglomerates for his ailments. With a rationale similar to that of the tobacco-lawsuit litigants, Barbar pleads that he was just a pawn in the evil hands of Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, Colonel Sanders, and that overlord of overweight, the Burger King.

The suit has been filed in the Bronx Supreme Court (motto: Sic Transit Raspberrius), and the plaintiffs are starting to pile on. One of them, Israel Bradley, 59, described his "ritual" of eating a pound of fast-food french fries a week.

Now, those of you who've read this column before might think I'm going to heap scorn on poor Caesar and his leechlike litigator, but far from it! They've inspired me. If we're going to start this lunacy, we may as well carry it to its logical conclusion, go for the gusto, and pull in EVERY potential plaintiff. Play along and make your own list!

Who are you going to sue? And does anyone have a phone number for attorney Hirsch? Let me know and we'll get our class-action suit in the pipeline.

More Commercial Rage

It appears there were a couple of GRAVE omissions in my list of rejectionable TV commercials in last week's column. First off is Screamin' Billy Mays, purveyor of OxyClean, Orange Clean, and just about every other infomercial-hawked product over the last few years. Want to play a fun game? Gather a group of friends, pour your favorite adult beverages, and tune into a Billymercial. Every time Billy points at the screen, take a sip. Every time he says, "But ya gotta call now," chug. See you before the porcelain altar.

In a true example of Weird Justice, Billy's punishment shall be to enter a Buddhist monastery high on a mountain somewhere in Asia, where all material possessions are divested and there is NO CABLE TV. Ya gotta chant now, Billy!

I'm kicking myself over the second one. Out of all the annoying pitchmen, all the mind-meltingly banal ad campaigns, the current grand champion is the Verizon guy.

You know the commercials. We open with a lovely mountain, beach or forest vista, only to have it spoiled by some black-clad yutz with a cellphone permanently implanted in his ear walking like a geisha and chanting "Can you hear me now?"

For the Verizon Guy, we have no creative punishments, no monasteries or slow boats. No, we simply want to hear him asking "Can you hear me now?" as the garbage compactor starts ... then hear the cellphone as it's slowly ground into his skull.

Mustard Makes It Big

Barry Levenson, curator of the Mustard Museum, is certainly on the high road to success of late. The new catalog is a hit, he's feted at art galleries, and now FoodTV has come a-calling. On July 29, the Food Network's wildly popular "Unwrapped" series will be showing their recent visit to THE tourist attraction in Mt. Horeb, Wisc. It's sure to be a fun time, and will air at 9 p.m. ET/ 8 p.m. CT. Make that ham sandwich with double mustard and enjoy!

Summer Mongo Movie Pick

Speaking of all things edible, this week's Mongo Movie pick is a postively yummy little trifle from the dark ages (1985) called "The Stuff." It stars Michael Moriarty, Paul Sorvino, and SNL's Garrett Morris as a Famous Amos-type cookie merchant.

The plot concerns a new snack treat, the aforementioned Stuff. It's a marshmallow cream-like concoction that seems to have an addictive effect on all those who consume it, causing them to eschew all other forms of nutrition and devote their time to round-the-clock Stuff stuffing. Picture "The Blob," but with ice-cream spoons.

Mayhem, of course, ensues, and I won't spoil what little plot there is by delving into it too deeply. Suffice it to say that there are FAR less enjoyable ways to spend an hour and a half of your life. There are some fairly good yuks, and if you've got a steady supply of Shiner Bock, it passes for high comedy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, that Wendy's Triple with cheese is calling my name, and I'm going to hit KFC for some potato wedges on the way back. See you all next week!

Got a rant? A peeve? Anything weird going on out your way? Any chain letters cluttering up your mailbox? Let me know!