Well, my efforts to organize a fast-food lawsuit and get rich have gone awry, but a new Web entrepreneur has opened my eyes to a whole new way to get rich without working.

A woman in New York named Karyn got herself into a bit of credit card debt, just like most of us have. However, unlike most of us who cut back on expenses, forego luxuries, and auction off family members to pay our debts, Karyn decided to give you, me and the rest of the Internet the unprecedented opportunity to help her out.

She's set up a site, www.savekaryn.com, where you can read all about her sad story of self-indulgence and donate money to help her get out of her completely self-inflicted predicament.

So far, "nice people" have donated almost $7,000 toward her $20,000 credit card bill. Others have sent her boxed meals, a pencil to "erase" her debt, and other painfully cute tchotchkes.

This is a woman who refers to $100 shoes as "a steal."

This is a woman who has stepped DOWN to Old Navy clothing. How about Kmart, sweetie?

This is a woman who claims that helping her pay off her debt will give the helper good karma. Sorry, but I can only think of about a billion other people on earth who could use the help more.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at poor Karyn. Not in the least. In fact, if P.T. Barnum was truly right, I should be able to copy her act and pay off my own debts.

In this case, my ire is reserved solely for the chuckleheads and tinbrains who've opened up their wallets and purses to send this fluffernutter money. I cannot imagine a more pointless fiduciary endeavor not involving Enron stock.

Instead, if you simply MUST give money away, and you don't want to send it to me, send it to Bob and Ben over at www.dontsavekaryn.com (Warning: Some language is not exactly polite). These fellows have, in a very short time, cooked up a spot-on parody of Karyn and her pseudo-travails. Pay for comedy, not idiocy.

They promise to waste any and all donations on shameless self-indulgence, the sort of spending that led Karyn to create her site in the first place.

Personally, I like their idea of mailing potato salad to Karyn. I'd add a few deviled eggs, too. Send it all book rate.

If The Goggles Fit

Just in case you think the United States is the only country with a government that pumps money into stupid studies, here comes the news from Great Britain.

Researchers in Scotland spent time and money watching 120 university students drink, and measured how much alcohol affects the perceived attractiveness of potential romantic partners. They discovered that, after two pints of ale or four glasses of wine, the "beer goggle factor" added about 25 percent to the looks of potential mates.

They could have gone with me, back in my college days, to the Rice pub and observed the behavior of booze-soaked intelligentsia for a $3 cover charge.

Recipe for an official Rice University wine cooler: VERY cheap chablis and Sprite stirred by hand in a hotel ice bucket. Serve in plastic cups.

Clothing-Optional Fun

The drought in parts of the northeast has gotten serious, and a Lambertville, N.J., man decided to try to help in a novel way.

Police found the unidentified man walking across a bridge in the buff, and he told them after a brief foot chase that he'd taken his birthday-suited stroll to make it rain.

This brings to mind George Carlin's old routine on rain dances. Do they have practice before a rain dance? Does it rain during practice? If it doesn't, how do you know you're doing it right? If it does, why bother having a dance at all? Just call a practice!

A naked man in Jacksonville, Fla., apparently wasn't content to walk. Several drivers reported that he jumped on their vehicles and tried to get inside before leaping atop an SUV. The vehicle's occupants dialed 911, but were afraid to stop moving lest the nude marauder gain entry.

Another motorist reported seeing the young man "road-surfing" on the roof of the SUV as it traveled.

The naked hitcher finally fell off the roof, and was discovered lying in the road by police moments later. He sustained only minor injuries but (surprise!) cops reported finding drugs in his system.

Mongo Summer Movie Pick

This week, for our final Mongo Movie pick, I'd like to present a relatively new endeavor starring an old favorite.

"The Attic Expeditions," recently released on VHS and DVD, is a mid-budget horror effort starring "Buffy" alum Seth Green as a crafty mental patient, "Hercules" and "Xena" guest Ted Raimi as an uptight psychiatrist, and our old friend Jeffrey Combs as the mad scientist who pulls all their puppet strings with his usual steely mania.

This actually is almost TOO good to qualify as a Mongo movie, but a truly bizarre climax and some over-the-top scenes of blood and gore cement it as a classic of the group. And, unlike some of our more obscure offerings this summer, this one should be readily available at your local video megamart. Enjoy!

As ever, I look forward to hearing from all of you. Anything weird going on in your neighborhood? Crop circles in the petunias? Bigfoot rummaging in the trash? Let me know!

Previous Stories:

• Aug. 16, 2002: The Fungal Menace
• Aug. 9, 2002: Beware The Death Skeeters
• Aug. 2, 2002: Planes, Trains And Doughmobiles
• July 26, 2002: We're All Gonna Be Rich!
• July 19, 2002: Bad Ads And Big Bugs
• July 12, 2002: The Weird Buffet Is Open
• June 28, 2002: Mad Dogs And Jumping Men
• June 21, 2002: Orange You Glad?
• May 31, 2002: Dollars And Nonsense